MONSTERBOT!

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 05:53:21 GMT

"But... but onward brave steed! Loves! Monsterbot! Squid family! Fuck off, will you!"

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 07:46:13 GMT

"When I die, someone needs to make sure that there's a line in my obituary reading 'Her vagina was once referred to as "weapons-grade."'"

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 07:21:10 GMT

"someone rubbed their internet vagina on cardboard and reclassified it pizza.
someone named totino."

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 07:30:51 GMT

"Why do I keep getting hungry?"
"Because we're watching carrots dance for us."
"YES I WANT TO EAT THEM"

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 14:05:39 GMT

"Big Bear Diary.

Tuesday: shit in the woods. In case you were wondering."

Why we should narrate nature documentaries

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 08:38:44 GMT

"Oh look, there's Ted from accounting!"
"He keeps eating those visors we give him."
"One salmon... half a salmon... oops."
"Third-quarter salmon losses were higher than projected..."

"Ah, the Canadian authorities! I don't know what they're on aboot."
"They're going to teach that bear a lesson."
"That's your new job: bear admonisher. Hit him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper."
"One bear admonisher... half a bear admonisher..."
"Ted from accounting announced a stunning 50% decrease in total bear admonisher holdings this fiscal year."

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 11:47:23 GMT

"Hey! I am NOT WEIRD! *smack* There, you have a lobster living in your head. I implanted it."

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 14:40:25 GMT

"Believe me, if I ever come to command an army of ducks, you will be the first to know."

Sat, 26 May 2007 09:32:01 GMT

"My breasts are creamy orbs? Now I want coffee."

Mon, 14 May 2007 08:31:40 GMT

monster: i was burritoing in an attempt to shuffle off my depressive pants
monster: depressive pants now around knees, but morose boxers proving stubborn
monster: metaphor codpiece seems stuck forever

Tue, 08 May 2007 23:51:29 GMT

"There's something about anal sex that makes me want noodles."

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 19:26:11 GMT

"I want the heart queen back."
"No you don't. I have a dragon."
"You are a bitch!"

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 07:11:13 GMT

"Are you really reading Intercourse while I'm calling myself a cumslut?"

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 20:43:46 GMT

"I don't mean to imply that your vagina exudes macaroons..."

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 10:27:35 GMT

"What does the sky smell like?"
"Linen."
"God, I want to marry you."

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 03:21:44 GMT

"You'll kill your engine in about 2 sexonds driving with an oil leak..."
"Sexond? How long is a sexond?"
"Well, for girls, about two, three hours. For guys, 45 seconds."
"Heh, sexond."
"I love our lexicon."
"...OUR SEXICON."

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 06:02:57 GMT

"These job listings make my eyes bleed. 'Bright, motivated, soulless automaton needed for poo shoveling. Competitive $3/hr salary. Must have master's degree and physical appearance congruent with assigned gender.'"

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 06:09:11 GMT

"Did you eat a nine-day-old sandwich for dinner?!"
"Well, not for dinner..."

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 00:44:22 GMT

"Our relationship has now crossed over from 'I won't pee on you' to 'I won't pee on you again.' Soon it will reach the dreaded 'I am not currently peeing on you.'"

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 16:50:05 GMT

"My name is Marv and I am King of the Squibbons."

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 03:59:36 GMT

"Aww, honey, the fact that you ruined all my cookware makes your attempt to make dinner even more adorable and romantic."

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 03:56:02 GMT

"I'll make you my little nancy-boy slut if you'll just pick up the phone, you dumbass!"

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 21:07:16 GMT

"Woodshop is a good idea when you're tweaking."

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 21:06:07 GMT

"My mother called..."
"Why? She sensed you were doing well for yourself and had to put a stop to it immediately?"

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 09:18:06 GMT

The Home Shopping Network: "The cardigan and the camisole are different lengths, so you can layer them in lots of interesting ways."

Us: "Try wearing the cardigan under the cami for that avant-garde look. And by avant-garde, we mean on the way to rehab."