MONSTERBOT!

monsterbot @ 2008-02-03T00:53:00

2008-02-03T05:53:21Z

"But... but onward brave steed! Loves! Monsterbot! Squid family! Fuck off, will you!"

monsterbot @ 2007-10-04T03:46:00

2007-10-04T07:46:13Z

"When I die, someone needs to make sure that there's a line in my obituary reading 'Her vagina was once referred to as "weapons-grade."'"

monsterbot @ 2007-08-25T03:21:00

2007-08-25T07:21:10Z

"someone rubbed their internet vagina on cardboard and reclassified it pizza.
someone named totino."

monsterbot @ 2007-08-11T03:30:00

2007-08-11T07:30:51Z

"Why do I keep getting hungry?"
"Because we're watching carrots dance for us."
"YES I WANT TO EAT THEM"

monsterbot @ 2007-08-03T10:05:00

2007-08-03T14:05:39Z

"Big Bear Diary.

Tuesday: shit in the woods. In case you were wondering."

Why we should narrate nature documentaries

2007-08-03T08:38:44Z

"Oh look, there's Ted from accounting!"
"He keeps eating those visors we give him."
"One salmon... half a salmon... oops."
"Third-quarter salmon losses were higher than projected..."

"Ah, the Canadian authorities! I don't know what they're on aboot."
"They're going to teach that bear a lesson."
"That's your new job: bear admonisher. Hit him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper."
"One bear admonisher... half a bear admonisher..."
"Ted from accounting announced a stunning 50% decrease in total bear admonisher holdings this fiscal year."

monsterbot @ 2007-07-24T07:47:00

2007-07-24T11:47:23Z

"Hey! I am NOT WEIRD! *smack* There, you have a lobster living in your head. I implanted it."

monsterbot @ 2007-06-07T10:39:00

2007-06-07T14:40:25Z

"Believe me, if I ever come to command an army of ducks, you will be the first to know."

monsterbot @ 2007-05-26T05:32:00

2007-05-26T09:32:01Z

"My breasts are creamy orbs? Now I want coffee."

monsterbot @ 2007-05-14T04:31:00

2007-05-14T08:31:40Z

monster: i was burritoing in an attempt to shuffle off my depressive pants
monster: depressive pants now around knees, but morose boxers proving stubborn
monster: metaphor codpiece seems stuck forever

monsterbot @ 2007-05-08T19:51:00

2007-05-08T23:51:29Z

"There's something about anal sex that makes me want noodles."

monsterbot @ 2007-04-19T15:25:00

2007-04-19T19:26:11Z

"I want the heart queen back."
"No you don't. I have a dragon."
"You are a bitch!"

monsterbot @ 2007-04-06T03:11:00

2007-04-06T07:11:13Z

"Are you really reading Intercourse while I'm calling myself a cumslut?"

monsterbot @ 2007-04-01T16:43:00

2007-04-01T20:43:46Z

"I don't mean to imply that your vagina exudes macaroons..."

monsterbot @ 2007-03-30T06:27:00

2007-03-30T10:27:35Z

"What does the sky smell like?"
"Linen."
"God, I want to marry you."

monsterbot @ 2007-03-29T23:20:00

2007-03-30T03:21:44Z

"You'll kill your engine in about 2 sexonds driving with an oil leak..."
"Sexond? How long is a sexond?"
"Well, for girls, about two, three hours. For guys, 45 seconds."
"Heh, sexond."
"I love our lexicon."
"...OUR SEXICON."

monsterbot @ 2007-03-28T02:00:00

2007-03-28T06:02:57Z

"These job listings make my eyes bleed. 'Bright, motivated, soulless automaton needed for poo shoveling. Competitive $3/hr salary. Must have master's degree and physical appearance congruent with assigned gender.'"

monsterbot @ 2007-03-27T02:08:00

2007-03-27T06:09:11Z

"Did you eat a nine-day-old sandwich for dinner?!"
"Well, not for dinner..."

monsterbot @ 2007-03-26T20:43:00

2007-03-27T00:44:22Z

"Our relationship has now crossed over from 'I won't pee on you' to 'I won't pee on you again.' Soon it will reach the dreaded 'I am not currently peeing on you.'"

monsterbot @ 2007-03-24T12:50:00

2007-03-24T16:50:05Z

"My name is Marv and I am King of the Squibbons."

monsterbot @ 2007-03-23T23:59:00

2007-03-24T03:59:36Z

"Aww, honey, the fact that you ruined all my cookware makes your attempt to make dinner even more adorable and romantic."

monsterbot @ 2007-03-23T23:56:00

2007-03-24T03:56:02Z

"I'll make you my little nancy-boy slut if you'll just pick up the phone, you dumbass!"

monsterbot @ 2007-03-07T16:06:00

2007-03-07T21:07:16Z

"Woodshop is a good idea when you're tweaking."

monsterbot @ 2007-03-07T16:02:00

2007-03-07T21:06:07Z

"My mother called..."
"Why? She sensed you were doing well for yourself and had to put a stop to it immediately?"

monsterbot @ 2007-02-19T04:18:00

2007-02-19T09:18:06Z

The Home Shopping Network: "The cardigan and the camisole are different lengths, so you can layer them in lots of interesting ways."

Us: "Try wearing the cardigan under the cami for that avant-garde look. And by avant-garde, we mean on the way to rehab."